Journal to no one
by starryjen
Summary: Neela's thoughts after she married Michael.


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For the last two months I've been asking myself the same question, am I in love with my husband? I know I love him, but am I _in _love with him? I realised tonight, you might say I had an epiphany, that if I was in love with him, I wouldn't be asking myself this question, so where does that leave me, what am I going to do? I really don't know, I love him; he's one of my best friends, isn't that enough? Is being _in_ love that important? He makes me feel comfortable, safe, and secure, surely that's more important.

But I saw how he looked at me before he went back to Iraq, like I was the most important person in the world to him, and I don't think I can give that back. When we talk on the phone, he talks about us growing old together, and I find myself imagining it, but my image is vague, and I'm not sure I'll still be here then, I don't even know if I'll still be here when he gets back. My eyes keep straying to another, and I know it won't take much for it to be more than my eyes, but that's not the main issue, the main issue is that I think I made a mistake marrying Michael. I should have said no, there was no rush, we could have spent more time together, hell, we could have lived together first. It was all so impulsive and romantic; I don't think I ever thought about what it really meant.

There's more, when we he first went to Iraq, I occasionally thought about what would happen if he died out there, and I couldn't imagine my life without him, and just the attempt at doing so made me want to cry. Now, I know I'd be upset, but my life without him, I can imagine that, and doing so doesn't upset me.

Who can I talk to about this? What happens if I walk away? My friends are his friends, in fact most of them knew him first, how many of them would still be my friend if I left him? My closest friend has a strange loyalty towards him, she won't listen to me criticise him, and I think I would lose her as soon as I said the words. Greg, without a doubt would not be a part of my life, he's Michael's best friend. And I go through all my friends, and I can only think of one that would still be there. Ray, and I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling because this is the one subject that we don't, won't, can't talk about. And is that part of the problem? My feelings for Ray, are they just confusing how I feel about Michael, are they what's making me question my vows? Could this just be a test to see how loyal I am to my husband, to see how easily I can be swayed by temptation?

And it's not as if I've made a definite decision, I might stay and still be here in 40 years happy and contented, or I may say in six months that I need out, so there's no point in discussing something that's just a voice in my head. All I know is that how I feel isn't right, it isn't the way a woman who's been married for two months, or any length of time, should feel about her husband, but I don't know how to change it.

I'm scared to be questioning something this important, but I'm equally as scared that I'm missing out on something by staying in a relationship which I don't believe in wholeheartedly. And I'm even more scared that I'll stay because I don't know how to leave. How do I break a man's heart when he loves me that much? It would be easier to stay, I may not be totally happy, but I wouldn't have to hurt him. But there's a voice in my ear saying that instead you'll hurt yourself. Do I want to be 70 looking back on my life regretting that I didn't ever get to feel real love, didn't get to know real passion? The answers no, but I'm still no clearer on what I'm going to do. All I know is that I have to destroy these pieces of paper, because if I stay and Michael ever finds them, it would destroy him.

I've just found this; I can't believe I wrote it a week ago. I think I got paged to work that day, that's why I didn't burn it like I intended. Well, I don't need to worry about Michael finding it now. He died you see, blown apart by a road side bomb, he died while I was considering whether I loved him enough to stay. I'll never know if I did or not. All I know is that I'm all alone now, and I miss him.


End file.
